The gluten free world is fraught with danger. It seems flour lurks at every turn. That unsuspecting sauce? GLUTEN. That normal looking salad dressing? THEY PUT THE GLUTEN IN THERE TOO.
Where can we go where there’s no gluten? Nowhere. We best just go home and make our dinner and watch telly and wonder what it’s like to be a… (jaws music now)… bread-eater.
Here are the worst gluten free problems we face. And why they hurt us so. Do you feel our pain?
The treacherous biscuit dunk
Few things in life are as stressful as attempting to dunk a gluten free biscuit. Let’s not forget, these are biscuits that must struggle valiantly to stay in one piece before they’re even out of the box. Plunge them into piping hot tea and the world basically ends. You’ve been warned.
The sauces that are full of secrets
Want some sauce on that dinner of yours? Well you better check it real carefully, because there is flour in all the sauces. Even the sauces that should clearly not contain flour, they’ve definitely got a bit of flour up in there. The other day we found flour in a jar of piccalilli. What! Why.
The times when everyone wants to go to that great new pizza place
And they just completely forget that you can’t go there because if you go there you have to sit at the table with no food while everyone else tucks into all the hot sweaty pizza and you look like some sort of weird add-on just staring at the pizza and dribbling and rocking and crying.
WHY IS THERE FLOUR EVERYWHERE
Oh yeah that dish is gluten free but we make it in a kitchen where there’s gluten basically all over the place. It’s on the floor, the ceiling, the worktops. Sometimes our chefs wash their hair in gluten, just for laughs. So yeah sure, we’ll feed you, but what we’re saying is… it’s not our fault when we poison you. Cool? Cool.
There’s cake in the office but it’s not for you
Oh yay! A birthday! Cake for everyone! No cake for you.
The people who put flour in things that SHOULD NOT CONTAIN FLOUR
At some point in the past few decades some wizard king decided to add gluten to ALL OF THE FOODS. He’s put it in SOUP and SAUSAGES and CHIPS and EVERY SINGLE READY MEAL IN THE WORLD. He’s still doing it! Won’t somebody please stop the madness?
The super cool street food that’s basically all hazardous
Let’s go to Shoreditch and eat food in a car park and drink £8 cocktails out of plastic cups and listen to some singing by a man who’s never washed his hair, they said. There’s like 10 million food trucks, there’ll definitely be something you can eat, they said. There is nothing you can eat.
The waiters who look at you like you are some sort of buffoon
Are you sure that dish is gluten free? Could you check with the chef? We say, upping the severity of our interrogation every time he hesitates. What is wrong with this nut job, he is wondering. We see him wondering this. It hurts us in our feelings. We continue to interrogate him.
You want a slice of bread without holes in it? Sorry, no can do.
Oh you’re gluten free? So you won’t mind if we charge you three times as much for a packet of bread rolls that are half the size of normal ones? Good.
All the illness, all the time
Yeah. That’s a gluten free problem alright.
The gluten rage
What, even a crumb would make you ill? Even a TINY LITTLE CRUMB? They ask us, their eyes wide with disbelief. They wait till we leave, then loudly announced that we’re on a fad diet. We’re making it up. It’s all for attention. We’re secretly going home and consuming huge loaves of bread in a dark cupboard. We are not doing this.